Welcome to the Steve Jobs Theater. We have something special to share with you today.
We’ve already given the world innovative technology like the Apple I and the Apple II and also the Apple III, the iPod, the iPod Touch, can’t forget the Nano, the iPhone X, the iPhone XR, the Triple X and well, now this.
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2019 - Our biggest screen yet. Yes, bigger than the last one. The screen is so large, we’ve created pants with pockets especially for this iPhone. Introducing the iPants Max, available in sizes small, medium and max. Buy a different pair for each day of the week. Or just wear the same pair every day like our beloved Father Jobs.
2020 - You guys hated that notch so much, this year we went anti-notch. In fact, we’ve decided phones no longer need front-facing cameras at all because no one has ever benefited from them. Call it courageous.
2021 - The best smartphone camera in the world. The team tells me we have some kind of chip in this one made with breakthrough technology. Images are 10x more crisp, with more color and depth than ever before. It’s like real life on your phone. Your phone is life now. Please keep using your phone.
2022 - First you guys want bigger screens and now you’re telling me the phones are too big. You kids keep me young, ha ha. Well this iPhone is so small, it could fit on your wrist. It’s basically just the Apple Watch from two years ago because we had a lot of those left over. Yeah, so. It’s just the Apple Watch, really.
2023 - You will never believe what we made for you this year. This iPhone is so durable, so waterproof, you can actually swallow and ingest it. The new iPhone is inside me right now. Our most ingestible iPhone yet.
2024 - Bigger. Faster. Smarter. Precision-machined. Surgical-grade stainless steel. Precision. Faster. Did I say that already?
2025 - An all-new generation of iPhone with facial recognition so advanced, it recognizes you even when your face is twisted in emotion. It’s now easier than ever to open your iPhone while crying about the emptiness and existential angst you feel inside. Adapters sold separately.
2026 - Our most unavoidable iPhone yet. You are now required by law to have one. Do not leave the building without your issued iPhone Overwatch.
